School on Sunday

I go back to school on Sunday.

Having gotten through my first semester of college, I feel strangely serene. Right now I'm very relaxed, just sitting, ignoring most of the world. I'm on my own until around 1pm.

It's nice to have time to yourself sometimes. Sometimes it's comforting to just sit back in my chair, lean back, and smile at all the nice things I have. I don't often do this, certainly not nearly as often as I should.

I have an amazing girlfriend. A girl I really do want to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how much I complain. An amazing girl who's willing to deal with me so much.
I'm not living in a cardboard box. I have a nice house, living in a well-heated home. No matter how much I complain about my hands being cold, it never gets below 60 degrees in this house, which is a lot nicer than some other people have it.
I have a vehicle. When I'm home from school, I can drive to Sarah's house all the time. I'm allowed to go out and do things late at night with my friends, and I'm allowed to have people over whenever I want.
I have a lot of extras. I have a nice computer, with an awesome monitor that I got as a graduation present. I have enough money to buy books for school without really worrying about it, and I have very few bills to pay.

I often feel bad, because I feel like I don't contribute to my family. I wasn't able to get a job to do over break, so I didn't end up making any money - just mooching off my parents for a month. I didn't go out a whole lot (ate out 3 times, maybe, went to two movies) but I still feel bad. I like being able to help out, even if it's just a little: picking up milk after work, using my own money rather than my parents money, etc. I like feeling like I'm not just a deadbeat.

Some people in #lj_support have worked full time jobs since they were 16. My parents never wanted me to work full time in HS, something I'm very glad of, and I'm convinced it saved my grades. The problem is that I have no money now, and no way of getting a job. I have nothing to offer that 40000 other kids at UIUC can't offer, so I just have to be a deadbeat more.

I feel bad, but I also feel nice to just be a bum. Lots of people don't work while they're in college, and I'm just another lazy suburbanite whose parents are footing the bill.

Unlike some people, however, I appreciate it.

I'm not a fratboy, nor do I ever party. I enjoy my time, but I do so in a calm, reasonable manner. I have a limited group of friends that I enjoy spending a lot of time with. I get my work done, although I spend too much time on the computer, and I pulled a 3.3 GPA. Not my finest hour, I'll admit, but chemistry is over now.

I like college. I like the freedom, the responsibility - but most importantly, I like being somewhere that I can learn and apply my skills. At such a big university, I can do anything.

But I don't know if I want to go back. I'm getting used to being home. It's nice having my own room, my own bathroom: not worrying about what sergio's going to want.

I like privacy, and I get it here, while I don't at school. I'm going to miss that.

I'm going back to school on Sunday, and I don't know how it's going to feel.

(no subject)

Happy Birthday to emmys_ducks. Hope it's a good one.

(no subject)

I fucked up.

In the vein of "Everyone in the world is having a sucky day", I am having a sucky day.

I went over to Sarah's this evening. We watched Star Trek after being indecisive for 10 minutes or so.

I loved the movie, and I loved watching it with her. She was in a good mood, which meant she kept looking at me with those big ole puppy dog eyes, with that goofy grin.

That's a grin I'll never be able to see again.

I'm never allowed to come in her house again.

Because I fucked up.

Aint life grand?