It was a Prank, not a Joke

No, I did not delete my journal as some April Fools Day Prank.

I was upset. I was very upset. Because what happened yesterday to me was not a joke, it was a prank. and, like several others I didn't like it at all.

I don't blame the people who did it, really: to you it was a joke. You saw nothing wrong with it. There was no malicious intent, there was no goal to upset people, and I understand that. Most of you were just having a bit of fun, and you couldn't see how anyone could be upset by it.

Most of you still can't see why anyone was upset by it.

So let me set up a situation for you.

I wake up in the morning, and check IRC, read my friends page, and check my email, generally in that order.

What I woke up to on IRC was a certain user screaming that Rahali was a power-hungry bitch who had gone mad and was suspending people left and right. What I woke up to on my friends page was big drama, this and this.

These people are my friends, and I see what I feel like is their lives flying apart. Rahaeli has always been a kind of role model type person for most of us - she's just always there. The LiveJournal support team would not be what it is today without her. She keeps a lot of things straight, and as has obviously been shown, a lot of people have a lot of concern for her.

I figured out it was a joke. At first, I only thought the "going to prison"/"abuse fight!" was a joke, i missed out on the suspensions (what can I say, I was rushed to get to class). So I came back, and realized the suspensions had happened, and kind of flipped out. I really was totally clueless (it tends to happen a lot).

Anyway, I later realized it was all a joke. And... my emotions were wasted, the fact that I cared meant nothing. And later, I was told I was "in on it".

I wouldn't have let this go. Parts of it were funny, parts of it weren't, but in my opinion, lying, for whatever purpose, is not a joke, it's deceit. If I told my ex-girlfriend I had been sleeping wih my best friend while we were dating, then 12 hours later came back and said "April Fools", I wouldn't consider that a "joke" - it would be a mean trick to play.

And that's how I felt. again and again. Every direction I turned, I saw more and more of these lies. I asked people on AIM what was going on, and recieved nothing but lies, I asked people on IRC and got nothing. I read my friends page and saw nothing.

I wasn't the only one who was upset by this. There were a number of people who felt the same way I do. There are other dissenting opinions, although they are few and far between.

I've been told I care too much. This is probably true. But the people I care about and for are the people that I feel and have always felt are my friends. I wasn't scared for my own journal... this thing is a piece of crap anyway ;) I just wanted to make my friends feel better, and when I realized it was a joke, I realized that was all for naught.

The bottom line is that these people were my friends, and whether they felt they did or not, they lied to me.

My mom will never trick my dad into eating something he doesn't like to eat. They've been dating/married for over 25 years, and over those 25 years have built up a level of trust that cant not be changed. I tried once, and ran into a complete brick wall: she would not trick him, not for anything, because she knew if she did, she'd lose that trust.

I was tricked. As a result, I've lost some trust. and that's the bottom line, in my opinion.

My journal isn't back because it was a prank, my journal is back because of an apology. No half-veiled apology in a journal, but a public apology. I'd like to thank the person who made that apology, as well as thanking the person who helped make that apology possible. You both know who you are.

If you think this is dull and boring, that's fine. So is my life. Because I care about a bunch of people that I will never see. I care enough to start a business that I'm working my ass off for with one of them, I care enough that I comfort them, console them, and everything else that I feel a good friend should do.

Because the bottom line is still that these people are my friends. And I do care about them.

Why do I have this?

Why do I have a journal?

It's not really for me. It never has been. Oh sure, I kept one before that was just on my website (http://rkschmidt.tripod.com/diary.htm ... warning, it's... scary. I've also moved everything over here, so there's no need to use it. look around my first journal entries), but even then, it was just a toy, not something real.

I moved to Free Open Diary after that. Why? Because my friends were there. Because they had a neat setup that let me interact with other people, through commenting, through reading other journals. I started getting involved with the blogging-type world via that.

And over last summer, I joined a Yahoo Group, METMA. Muggles for Equal Treatment of Magical Articles. A Harry Potter group that I only joined because my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend). They all had journals, and they'd always talk about the latest meme, or their friends pages, or whatnot. It was a primary method of communication outside the mailing list - comments and entries. Commentwhoring abounded. etc. etc. Plus, people were always looking for "teh c0eds!" - LiveJournal Invitation codes. I thought I might be able to do okay in support and get codes for some friends, and I knew I got some for paid time. So I bought an account.

I never really expected this journal to become what it has. For me, it's a way to communicate. Everyone from my mom to my best friend reads my journal. I've met hundreds of people through the site, and I enjoy talking with them all. I've formed a community here, to the point where the activities of yesterday seriously affected me ;)

Someone recently told me this journal doesn't accurately represent who I am (as much as hers does). I won't disagree. This isn't a personal log, it's a public one. And that's always been the case.

I love this site, I love the people on it. I love being able to just type type type type type, and people will READ it. People will see it. People already do. I'll write this, and I'll get a bunch of people to comment and so on. And I love being able to write things like this.

This journal is about things in my life, but it isn't really about my life. It's just a neat way for me to communicate with others. And I like it that way.

sarah

So, I've been asked to make a post about "what happened" between me and Sarah. Not an easy question, by any means. But, I'm going to do my best to answer it.

Some of you don't like hearing about Sarah, so skip right over this one.

The truth? I don't really know.

I used to be truly, madly, deeply in love with her. The head over heels love that comes with everyone's first love. I was infatuated and upset. I did everything for her: I talked to her for hours online, I'd spend all my free time with her. I'd carry her books and instruments for her, I'd basically be a puppy dog, and do everything she wanted, because that's what love is, right?

We had a great summer. I was working a ton, but anytime I had a day off from both jobs, I'd go to great america with her. We went about 10 times over the summer, and it was fun every time. One time it was too crowded, so we went and watched the crocidile hunter movie instead. We'd go to bakers square in gurnee for dinner, and always both get chicken fingers. It was great fun.

Then it was time for me to leave for college. I've always wanted to go away to school - i knew it would be scary, and new, but it would be... different. I could be a normal college kid, and enjoy all the things college kids do. Random parties, and all that kind of stuff.

Except I had a girlfriend. A girlfriend at home. Who was younger. And less mature. and needed me all the time. She always wanted me online, she always wanted to talk to me. I was always there for her, because that's what a boyfriend is for. I was there for her whenever I could be.

But I could never be there enough for her. There was nothing I could do to be be good enough for her. I could not be there enough, I could not tell her enough. I still can't, and I'm not even dating her anymore. There's absolutely nothing I could do to make the relationship good enough.

For months, I went through life, just trying to survive. On the one hand, I had a girl that I couldn't make happy, and it was tearing me apart. On the other hand, I had school.

As school went on, I began to realize that I really couldn't go on for this forever. Either Sarah needed to grow up, or I needed to move on. She "broke up" with me at least 3 times in the first semester of college. She told me that she didn't love me once, for two days. I talked to her on the phone, and she couldn't say "I love you" when we were saying our goodbyes. Oh, she cared about me, but she just didn't think she could love me.

This kind of thing wasn't all that unusual. It was just an occurance I had to deal with. Her not liking me, her wanting to talk when I went out. Having to come home, every time I came home from going out, to a depressing email about how upset she was. How she wasn't mad at me... she was just sad.

I've always said that she needed to have other friends, more friends, people besides me. I may be a great guy, I don't know. But there are other people in the world besides me. "If we live together, what are you going to do if I want to go out?" "Sit at home and watch TV." That's the kind of thing she would always say. She didn't want to grow up, she didn't want to meet other people, she just wanted me.

I thought it was getting better. I went home for winter break ready to break up with her, because I couldn't take the angst anymore, I couldn't take living my life for someone who was 120 miles away. I couldn't do it. And during finals week, she pulled the nice "oo, i've been logging in for a long time reading your private entries." (link, recently adjusted to friends-only). I went home saying that if I didn't break up with her, I'd be dissapointed in myself.

Well, I didn't break up with her. We talked, and I felt assured that things were going to get better. She made promises about trust and such things. And I felt secure in the fact that we had worked out the issues with it, so I didn't break up with her. There wasn't any reason to: everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes, myself included.

Things didn't get better. all the promises were either falsehoods, or just didn't quite work out. She said she wouldn't mind me hanging out with other people, and going out. She said she wanted me to do that. But that didn't work. I'd go and hang out, and I'd get back and have a nice depressing email or two to read. I couldn't take it anymore. it was frustrating - because I couldn't do anything. If I stayed home, I got depressed because it really isnt' all that fun to sit on the computer all the time. If I did go out, I came back and got depressed because i had left her behind.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. It was a really bad week, and I realized that I wasn't doing anything for me: everything was for her. we broke up (link) for the first time (first real time, anyway). I was upset at myself, I was stressed, and it wasn't working. Like SK said at the time: "In order for a relationship to work both parties need to have the time and desire to make sacrifices to make it work." Well, she didn't seem to be sacrificing anything, and I didn't have the time to do the sacrificing. However, at the time, I was still infatuated with her. I still cared about her. So, I decided we'd go out on February 14th. No need to jade another female of the species from ever liking the holiday again.

Over that weekend, we got back together. things were going to be better! We were going to do our own things, and things were going to be happy. And they weren't bad, for 2 weeks.

Then it started all over again.

She came onto IRC on the thursday before I was supposed to go home to see her. I'd warned her before never to come onto IRC if she knew what was good for her. She knew that my friends didn't really like her, she knew that they heard all the bad stuff I said about her (no lies from me. just things that i wouldn't write down here for you guys to see, because it would just end up causing trouble). But she came in anyway. and my friends all told her pretty much what they thought of her.

And I didn't disagree. Because they were right, they weren't saying anything that was wrong or a lie. There was a million things wrong with our relationship. And it needed to end.

I went home that weekend, and all that magic that there used to be in the relationship was gone. Everytime I'd look at her, a voice in the back of my head would tell me some other thing that had gone wrong. and Eventually, that voice didn't even need to be there anymore... I just didn't feel the same.

I don't love her anymore. I can't explain to you why love stops, any more than I can explain what love is in the first place, because I dont' think there's any way to do describe whate love is. Love is a feeling, a place you exist mentally, not something you can describe or strive to be. And I'm not there anymore.

We broke up 3.5 weeks ago. And as sad as it makes me, I like life a whole lot better now. I enjoy doing things, I enjoy just chilling out. I'm not forced to be a source of entertainment, I dont' do things I don't want to do. I don't have to go through life living for someone else, always comprimising, always giving way. I can just have my life for me. And because of that, I'm enjoying life a whole lote more.

I'm sorry that it ended. But I'm happy that it happened, because I learned a million good things, and had a million good experiences that I'll never forget. Sarah is a very special girl, and someday, there will be a guy that will give her what she needs. But I'm not that guy. And I won't be. And as sad as I am... I'm happy that I'm moving on. Because it wouldn't have worked out with the way things were going.