I don't wanna go

[crschmidt]

I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go.

This bit of requisite whining brought to you by the fact that my plane leaves in less than three hours. I'm mostly packed, other than the laptop i'm using to write this and the internet connection to connect it.

I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go.

I hate this. I hate leaving. I need to, because my schooling is really important to me, and where I am at school is really good for me for a lot of reasons. BUt it doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I have to want to go. And I don't.

I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go.

I'm waking jess up in 15-20 minutes to go get alicia so we can go to the airport.

I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go I don't wanna go.

Can you tell how I feel right now?

Comments

[jpallan.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to let you go either, but I wouldn't've let you stay. This is important to you. If you want to take a semester or a year's leave of absence at some point, and you have something lined up out here, okay. But I won't let you fuck up your life just so you can be with me more.

I so badly want you here that it makes me scream with tension and pain. But it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you come here when you're ready. You're not ready yet. Maybe soon. Not today.

I love you, and I want to have you without reservations, regrets, remonstrances, or resentments. I want you not to think, "well, if I'd just held out for another 4 months / 6 months / year, I wouldn't be in this situation today". I want you to feel ready.

And when you do feel ready . . .

I'll be waiting.

:kiss: Love you.

[crschmidt.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're able to say that, at least now. I know how hard it is for you - and believe me, it's hard for me too. I want to be with you so much, it's hard sometimes to remember why I'm choosing to go through with this.

But really, I can sum it all up in one moment. I walked out of my CS311 exam, being one of the first ones to finish, and thought to myself... Holy Crap. I KNEW all that. There was no part of that test that I did not royally STOMP.

That's the memory that always comes to mind. Walking out of an exam on material I didn't know at the beginning of the semester, material I can put to good use, and knowing that I learned it because of where I am and what I'm doing. Getting the education, and realizing I really am getting it, means to me that I'm doing the right thing right now.

I want to be with you. When the time comes, I will be with you. And we'll love each other all the more for having waited.