tired, lonely, confused
Apr. 16th, 2003 12:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crschmidtI'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm confused.
I have this feeling. This feeling like I need to do something. Either I need to move on, or I need to go back or something. The problem is that if I go too far back, it's all sadness. If I go not far enough back, it's happy times... but they're going to lead to sad, and I know that. So I don't want to go back to my past.
Yet I look to the future, and it's not positive. I'm a smart guy. I know this. But so are a lot of people, including people who've been doing computer stuff for years. My dad has had a job for how many years at Lucent? Yet every time layoffs come around, everyone in the family crosses our fingers and holds our breath, because there's a decent chance he'll get layed off.
My dad has taught me everything I know.
I know I'm going to be in school for a while, so things might change in the meantime. But I'm just scared.
There's also the fact that I have no ability to meet people. I'm feeling a lot better about myself lately, due to help from a friend of mine. He was attempting to teach me the rules on "How to get laid." Now, I'm not really looking for that at the moment, no matter how much I talk about it - I want a relationship before sex. I want a little bit of just... being together with anybody before I would ever want to do that. But one of the rules was to always "Know that every girl in the room wants you. You are desirable." And it has helped me. When I walk in to a classroom, I walk into it thinking that, and I feel more confident. I don't scan the room for females to sit next to to try to get close to, I don't do anything. It means that I'll probably have to deal with being single for the rest of this school year, at least, but I don't WORRY so damn much. And that's a nice feeling.
However, I'm feeling very... ugh lately. Sexually deprived, I suppose, although that's stupid. I just... I used to be able to go look forward to going home. I used to be able to, because that was when I got to cuddle with my girlfriend! and even when we were fighting, it would make me feel better. But now, when I know I'm going home, I just feel like crap.
I told Sarah the next time I came home for me, I'd come see her. I never planned to lie to her, but I didn't think I'd be coming home til after finals. Now... it's just too soon. For me, and probably for her too, whether she realizes it or not.
I don't know. I'm running out of motivation for writing this entry. I'm sure I meant to say something at the beginning, but now it's just becoming me blabbing about a bunch of meaningless stuff. Especially since at least a few people have no clue what I'm talking about. (Siren, Girlfriday. probably adcott, flim_flam, lanna_kitty, yen1703... just to name a few.) I don't know when I last did a "Welcome to my journal" entry, but ya'll would be in it. I think. I dunno.
I'm just so tired. everything is exhausting. School, Plogs, friendships, everything else, and I just don't know what to think.
Oh, and I have 666 entries and 666 support points now. see? yeah.
Okay, going to try and scrounge up some food now.
I'm lonely.
I'm confused.
I have this feeling. This feeling like I need to do something. Either I need to move on, or I need to go back or something. The problem is that if I go too far back, it's all sadness. If I go not far enough back, it's happy times... but they're going to lead to sad, and I know that. So I don't want to go back to my past.
Yet I look to the future, and it's not positive. I'm a smart guy. I know this. But so are a lot of people, including people who've been doing computer stuff for years. My dad has had a job for how many years at Lucent? Yet every time layoffs come around, everyone in the family crosses our fingers and holds our breath, because there's a decent chance he'll get layed off.
My dad has taught me everything I know.
I know I'm going to be in school for a while, so things might change in the meantime. But I'm just scared.
There's also the fact that I have no ability to meet people. I'm feeling a lot better about myself lately, due to help from a friend of mine. He was attempting to teach me the rules on "How to get laid." Now, I'm not really looking for that at the moment, no matter how much I talk about it - I want a relationship before sex. I want a little bit of just... being together with anybody before I would ever want to do that. But one of the rules was to always "Know that every girl in the room wants you. You are desirable." And it has helped me. When I walk in to a classroom, I walk into it thinking that, and I feel more confident. I don't scan the room for females to sit next to to try to get close to, I don't do anything. It means that I'll probably have to deal with being single for the rest of this school year, at least, but I don't WORRY so damn much. And that's a nice feeling.
However, I'm feeling very... ugh lately. Sexually deprived, I suppose, although that's stupid. I just... I used to be able to go look forward to going home. I used to be able to, because that was when I got to cuddle with my girlfriend! and even when we were fighting, it would make me feel better. But now, when I know I'm going home, I just feel like crap.
I told Sarah the next time I came home for me, I'd come see her. I never planned to lie to her, but I didn't think I'd be coming home til after finals. Now... it's just too soon. For me, and probably for her too, whether she realizes it or not.
I don't know. I'm running out of motivation for writing this entry. I'm sure I meant to say something at the beginning, but now it's just becoming me blabbing about a bunch of meaningless stuff. Especially since at least a few people have no clue what I'm talking about. (Siren, Girlfriday. probably adcott, flim_flam, lanna_kitty, yen1703... just to name a few.) I don't know when I last did a "Welcome to my journal" entry, but ya'll would be in it. I think. I dunno.
I'm just so tired. everything is exhausting. School, Plogs, friendships, everything else, and I just don't know what to think.
Oh, and I have 666 entries and 666 support points now. see? yeah.
Okay, going to try and scrounge up some food now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 11:13 am (UTC)i'll always be here for ya...
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 11:26 am (UTC)I really had something to say, but it ran away at some point. *glomps madly*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 11:54 am (UTC)I know the feeling...it's like you're in a big swim race and everyone is zipping past you and you're just treading water.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 04:14 pm (UTC)That sounds scarily similiar to my own views that enabled me to let out my natural snarky side.
And ... You're just so emo ... Perhaps getting laid would help.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 05:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 11:19 pm (UTC)If some hot guy who just happened to be you walked up to me and said that, i'd be like... *faints* ; )
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-17 02:25 am (UTC)Talking to me is a pleasure. But it's not a privlege. Treating it as such would just make me seem snobbish, wouldn't it?
I'm obviously desirable. That much is certain. However, whether I'm desirable to anyone who sees me who doesn't already have a boyfriend is yet to be determined. Christy tells me I'm good looking, but she has to say that, she's my friend. Besides, her opinion doesn't help much, because she can't do anything to act on it.
What would be really nice is someone who knows me, in real life, who is my age, who isn't taken, and who isn't required to say nice things about me, would just come up to me one day and tell me I'm good looking. It happened once before (the word at the time was "sexy") but not since. It would help my self-esteem a lot, and it might do something for me.
Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet. And desirable as I may be, I must be utterly unapproachable, cause no one comes up and tells me things like that.
Ah well. Such is life.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-17 10:22 am (UTC)Re: No wonder your lonely
Date: 2003-04-17 01:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-17 01:44 am (UTC)Re: No wonder your lonely
Date: 2003-04-17 01:49 am (UTC)Ascii isn't a community. She's a person. Just like you, just like me. And you went leaving comments where they didn't belong. It quite clearly says to EMAIL her, not bug her in her journal.
And nobody cares about your stupid invite code saga. You want an invite code? pay. that simple.
(note: this discussion started in another journal, but was continued here, as you can so plainly see.)
leave it alone
Date: 2003-04-17 01:53 am (UTC)Re: leave it alone
Date: 2003-04-17 01:56 am (UTC)You were stupid. because you were stupid in one of my friend's journals, I saw it. because I saw it, I called you on it.
However, this isn't the place to talk about it. You're obviously being childish (not even leaving your username anymore, I see,
Shut up, pay up, and quit codebegging.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-17 05:10 am (UTC)~vampyric princess
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-17 09:01 am (UTC)