Emo Angst

[crschmidt]

Sometimes I just want to cry.

I feel so alone. I look out the windows at the cold grey world outside, and I just feel like everything that I used to have is gone. It's gone away, and I don't know what I did or why I did it that would cause it to be this way. I look at the trees out my window, and I'll see somebody walk by, and just wish I could say "Take me with you! I don't care where you're going, I just want to get away."

I've always wanted to be something other than what I am. Nothing's changed. I want to be older, smarter, better. I want to be able to say what I mean, and I can't. Even now, I'm just looking around, like looking at this room will help me identify who I am.

Sometimes, I'll just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I'll look up at the ceiling, and just stare. There's nothing there. It's just plain white, and when it's dark, it's not even that. I just stare, looking for answers that aren't there.

Were they there before? I don't know, but I know I didn't used to feel so empty. I didn't use to go to sleep at night with such thoughts in my head. There was always somebody, some thing to think about. There was none of this lonliness, none of this sadness, it was all just... right. Or if not right, there was at least emotion there. There was some kind of feeling that I just don't have anymore.

What happened to me? What happened to the me that used to be? What happened to everything that I used to be? Is that all gone? the fun. the happy. I used to go play DDR at Christy's... now I just go and sit and stare at the ceiling in her room instead. And sometimes i just want to scream, because there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I can do to make it better, there's nothing I can do to fix it. Because I don't know what it is, I don't know where it came from. I just know that it seems...

I feel different. Then again, maybe I should. My life has changed. everything about me has changed. I don't think I fully accepted beign here when I first got here... I was still trapped in the past. Now I'm starting to move on, and finding out how hard it is to pick up the pieces.

I reach around the globe to find someone. I reach to people I know I'll never meet. Why? because it's safe? Because they can't "hurt" me? I don't know. I just know what I do.

Sometimes I just want to cry.

Comments

[sincelastjuly.livejournal.com]

I reach around the globe to find someone. I reach to people I know I'll never meet. Why? because it's safe? Because they can't "hurt" me? I don't know.
Because it'll be easy to distance yourself if you need to. Un-friend them, block their screenname, and voila, you don't have to ever see them again...you don't have to worry about unexpectedly running into them in the grocery store, or finding their face in a photograph when you're randomly digging through your desk.
I know how you feel - not liking yourself for who you are, not liking much of anything around you. I hope for you that one day this will change.

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

Hooo boy, can I relate. I was there, where you are, my second semester of my freshman year, only I'm outgoing enough that I glommed myself onto something to sleep with so I wouldn't feel lonely, no matter how stupid and destructive and dishonest the relationship was.

What worked for me was starting over in a new state, a new school, a new life, and really trying to embrace it from the very beginning, not letting myself be continually attached to people and relationships that weren't right there. And I knew going in that the friends I would make at first would be "convenience friends," people you hang with but don't become attached to, because you need to be able to distance yourself if you have to or if something better comes along.

I don't know if that'll work for you or not, or if it's even an option that you want to consider. But I do know that school counselors, as annoying as it might seem to try to talk to them, they do have experience with this. They've seen it before, and if they're any good at all (many aren't, sadly), they'll be motivated to help you figure out what will make you enjoy your life there at college, rather than just treading water until it's over.

[kamara.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I just want to cry.
Who doesn't. Seriously. If a person said to me "I'm ecstatically happy, everything always goes my way - and I live in a perfect perfect world full of happy pretty things, nice people and I love myself all the time!" I'd either expect them to be on something or really really jaded and not have a clue.

What happened to everything that I used to be?
Stuff happens, things change, people change, we all change. Hopefully for the better - or at least it will be better in the end. Things always turn out good in the end. If things aren't good, then it's not the end. That's the phrase I've been living on for the past three years.

Sometimes I just want to cry.
Me too, Chris. Me too..

*hug*

*hugs*

[pie-is-good.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel.

See my entry for further details on how I feel lonely and empty too. Your entry leaves more of an impact, however...damn you and your better writing skills...<3

(And I think that may be the first time I used the subject line on a comment)

[ashh.livejournal.com]

Yet another "I know how you feel."

That's exactly where I am right now, too. I don't have a lot of encouragement for you that doesn't make me sound like an utter hypocrite, but I can tell you this. I think you pretty well know where you're going and even if it takes a while, somehow you'll find the way to get there.

A word to the wise, though. Feelings across a network connection are still feelings. Be careful with your heart.

[jpallan.livejournal.com]

It's depression, man. It sucks.

My best advice is to seek treatment. I didn't treat my depression and anxiety for the better part of 6 years. Once you decide that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get it to go away (including some very hard internal soul-ripping), you'll be able to stave it off. Maybe it takes medication. Maybe it takes years. But it's doable, and it'll allow you to smile when you get up in the morning, and to me, that's what matters.

[pthalo]

It's okay to cry, Chris. I know that's a girly thing to say, but really. It helps. It smooths thing out.

I look at the trees out my window, and I'll see somebody walk by, and just wish I could say "Take me with you! I don't care where you're going, I just want to get away." Go outside, Chris. Go for a walk. If you have rollerblades or a bike, then do that. It doesn't matter where you go, maybe go down a street you haven't been before. Go on a treasure hunt. It could just be a mental treasure hunt. Look for beauty. It's out there. It doesn't come knocking on your door, though, you need to go out and look for it. and you deserve beauty.

I reach around the globe to find someone. I reach to people I know I'll never meet. Why? because it's safe? Because they can't "hurt" me? I don't know. I just know what I do. I do too. and I the reasons you just gave are quite valid. It's amazing how beautiful people can be on the internet, where they feel comfortable and unafraid. So much easier to be their true selves. Real life is scary.

i don't know where I'm going with this. just. picking things out that i can relate to. and I care, Chris. Take care of you. *touches your cheek softly*

[(Anonymous)]

ANGST. WOE. SORROW. CRY IT ALL UP, MAN. LIFE AIN'T GOING NOWHERE. YOU WILL BE FOREVER LOST IN THE VORTEX OF DEPRESSION, UNTIL THE DAY YOU ARE LOWERED TO THE GROUND. IF YOU LET THE ANGST TAKE A HOLD OF YOU NOW, THAT'S ALL THERE WILL BE IN YOUR LIFE; ANGST. ANGST, ANGST, AND EVEN MORE ANGST. ALL THE ANGST IN DA WORLD. ALL THE ANGST IN LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES WILL NOT EVEN COMPARE TO THE ANGST YOU WILL BE CARRYING WITH YOU. SO BRACE YOURSELF, YOU'RE IN FOR A RATHER MUNDANE, ANGSTY RIDE THAT IS YOUR LIFE. I HOPE YOU DON'T CRY TOO MUCH. IT'S GOOD TO CRY, IT GETS RID OF THE EXCESS ANGST THAT THE BODY BUILDS UP.