should i stay or should i go? 1/28/2002

i don't know. that's all i want to know - can she stand being in the same room with me? i mean, i doubt she cares anymore. i'm a write off. but i just dont' want to risk making her more mad, and i know there's a lot of work that needs to be done. i just want to walk in, get told what to do and go do it. i don't want to be around her. not if she's going to be mad. i don't want to make her mad. i never did. i screwed up, and i don't want to do it again. i tried to ask her this in the email i sent last night, but she didn't respond. she probly saw it was me and destroyed all evidence of it, seeing as how i'm such an asshole.

i knowq this is short, but i really need a nap or something before i pick up dave. maybe i'll write again at 10 or whatever. night.

aliens shouldn't read this entry 1/28/2002

and if you know what i meant by that title, PLEASE DON"T READ AND GET UPSET ABOUT IT. you were warned.

I talked to her, just to figure out whether she thought it would be a bad or good idea to come to yearbook. Now, she's pissed again. why? I don't know! i was just trying to make sure i wasn't going to make things worse by showing up before she was ready to talk! i just wanted to know how she felt about it! i mean, she's repeating (in her words, i dont' remember her telling me) that she isn't my "babysitter or your mother". So, she's pissed because i'm letting her know i'm coming up after the secret garden tryouts. i don't know what she means! i don't understand why she would be pissed. i really don't. i mean, i know she has every reason to be pissed at me, but she said she was becoming pissed again. i haven't changed my attitude since before this whole thing happened - does this mean that she always thought i was annoying? or that she's feeling more upset at me after this stuff? or that i'm just an idiot? i don't get it :(

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*her* opinion: i know your sorry, i've accepted the apology already. i'm not mad, but we should still stay away from each other.
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i don't think she ever did accept the apology. all she did was say "you did something specifically to hurt me". and she hasn't acted anything except mad. i don't mind if she's mad, only if she says she isn't while acting like she isn't.

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*her* again: i am not your babysitter or your mom. do whatever you want! i'm getting mad now
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i was just letting her know that i was going to come up and when! i swear!

this sucks. i should have just stayed away. maybe i WON'T come to yearbook anymore. she obviously doesn't want me there, otherwise she wouldn't become so f***ing pissed at me over this stuff.

I'm past bedtime tonight. more some other time.