I should post on something, but I don't know what. So instead of posting about something, I'm posting about nothing -- the specific brand of nothing that is simply talking about the nothing I'm posting.
When one is cohabiting, the obvious next step is marriage. Once one is married, the obvious next step changes enormously, as it has much more to do with a general life pattern and partnership than it does with development of that partnership.
I was mentioning this to ursamajor the other day — that when one is unmarried yet ensconced in a happy relationship, the obvious next step is marriage (though not everyone chooses that, of course). But once one is married, the next steps are far more nebulous. Children? Yes or no? How many? When? Buying a home to share? Investing money? In what? Job changes, graduate school, compromising the demands of two families on your time, etc.
I'm not saying that we haven't faced many of these decisions as a couple already — but they take on a different meaning and urgency when "giving up on this for a while" is no longer an option. Dating and cohabitation generally are temporary states, and those who choose to cohabit permanently usually have a political reason for doing so (illegality of gay marriage, boycotting an institution that was meant to convey ownership of a woman by a man, & c.), all of which are valid, but force them to look at more permanent, long term issues immediately.
In this day and age, of course, matrimony is both not as drastic of a step — with the likelihood of being a virgin moving out of your parents' home and into a home with someone whose household habits you do not know being much lower — and much more so, with cohabitating with shared mortgages, joint mortgages, and children being on the rise.
Marriage is a public statement, and sometimes I don't think you've thought about that — you've told me before, "Oh, I made a permanent commitment to you when I proposed" — but I don't think you get how much of a change it will mean as this new status develops.
I want to know how you fold your socks, or just what that drawer looks like in general. Seriously. I care deeply about your socks and their arrangement.
Failing that, life in New England vs. life in Illinois? What you think of us chowderheads?
I think he views life in New England vs. life in Illinois as apples and oranges. In Illinois, he's treated as if he's 12, all of his friends have moved away, so he spends the majority of his time with family, and he's in one of those suburbs that everyone does leave — miles upon miles of pretentiously named god-awful subdivisions, wood and Thermopane "contemporary" houses with skylights and central air and big garages that spring up like warts upon once placid cornfields tended by farmers who raised the corn with full knowledge that it's an industry rather than an art, and that no human mouth would touch their corn.
Whereas here, he's an adult with responsibilities and children and a wife and a mortgage and rent to pay. He has a social circle, a job at a little company that he enjoys and mostly views as fun, the town of Cambridge to explore, easy access to quirky bookstores, and a population that's largely like him — upper middle income professionals with excellent educations who listen to NPR a lot and are connoisseurs of ethnic food and various up and coming hipster trends.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-14 09:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-14 10:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-14 11:24 pm (UTC)When one is cohabiting, the obvious next step is marriage. Once one is married, the obvious next step changes enormously, as it has much more to do with a general life pattern and partnership than it does with development of that partnership.
I was mentioning this to
I'm not saying that we haven't faced many of these decisions as a couple already — but they take on a different meaning and urgency when "giving up on this for a while" is no longer an option. Dating and cohabitation generally are temporary states, and those who choose to cohabit permanently usually have a political reason for doing so (illegality of gay marriage, boycotting an institution that was meant to convey ownership of a woman by a man, & c.), all of which are valid, but force them to look at more permanent, long term issues immediately.
In this day and age, of course, matrimony is both not as drastic of a step — with the likelihood of being a virgin moving out of your parents' home and into a home with someone whose household habits you do not know being much lower — and much more so, with cohabitating with shared mortgages, joint mortgages, and children being on the rise.
Marriage is a public statement, and sometimes I don't think you've thought about that — you've told me before, "Oh, I made a permanent commitment to you when I proposed" — but I don't think you get how much of a change it will mean as this new status develops.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-15 01:23 am (UTC)I dunno. Post about the coolest Python library you've ever used or something.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-15 06:10 pm (UTC)Failing that, life in New England vs. life in Illinois? What you think of us chowderheads?
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-16 02:37 am (UTC)Whereas here, he's an adult with responsibilities and children and a wife and a mortgage and rent to pay. He has a social circle, a job at a little company that he enjoys and mostly views as fun, the town of Cambridge to explore, easy access to quirky bookstores, and a population that's largely like him — upper middle income professionals with excellent educations who listen to NPR a lot and are connoisseurs of ethnic food and various up and coming hipster trends.